One of my bucket list items is to one day go on The All-American Road Trip. I wanna go full throttle on the open road in a bright red 1965 Ford Mustang convertible: American flag bandanna around my head Rambo-style and a bald eagle hovering auspiciously in the periphery. Along the way I pass Peter Fonda and Dennis Hopper on Harleys. Maybe Clark Griswold flirts with me from his family’s station wagon. Occasionally I fire a gun off into the air for no other reason than FUCK YEAH AMERICA.

The trick of course is deciding the route to take. This will require much research. Part of that research is first coming up with the things I want to see and do that are THE MOST AMERICAN.

What to bring:

• American flag bandanna
• Crop top tees featuring bald eagles, American flags, and logos of NFL teams NASCAR, and macro beer companies
• Jorts
• Born in the U.S.A on tape

Things to Do:

• Ring the Liberty Bell with a bottle of Coca-Cola
• Pick up a hitchhiker–make them tell you their entire life story
• Kill, cook, and eat a rattlesnake…with a side of baked beans heated over a hobo fire
• Shoot swamp rats in the Everglades
• Get baptized in the Mississippi river by a southern baptist minister
• Drop acid at Disneyland
• Acquire a gun and use it to shoot bison, elk or some similar majestic animal
• Drink moonshine at a hoedown while dancing along to a band playing banjos, fiddles, spoons, jugs, and wash boards
• Pan for gold like an old prospector
• Dine-and-dash at a truck stop diner after eating hotcakes, bacon, and coffee
• Drive a Harley along route 66
• See some motherfucking canyons
• Witness a Civil War re-enactment battle
• Mardi Gras in New Orleans
• Do a keg stand with some frat boys
• Sit on Abe Lincoln’s lap
• Participate in an apple pie eating contest
• Go to a Patriots game and shed a single patriotic tear during the National Anthem
• Go to a Monster Truck Rally
• See a baseball game at Yankee Stadium, Wrigley Field, or Fenway Park. Sing take me out of the Ballgame, eat some peanuts (throw the scraps right on the ground), cracker jacks, and a hot dog while drinking some Bud
• Drive a John Deere tractor to a drive-in movie
• Visit the first-ever McDonalds and eat a Big Mac meal. Supersized.
• Go to a NASCAR race
• Barbecue in Texas with only foods purchased from Walmart
• Smoke a Malboro and ash it into the Grand Canyon
• Weep over John Wayne’s grave in Newport Beach. Ditto Elvis’ grave in Memphis.
• Rodeo
• Offer a white bread PB&J to a bear on the Appalachian trail
• Take a piss off the Empire State Building
• Wear a giant ass hat to the Kentucky Derby
• Fist fight someone on the top of Mount Rushmore
• Drive a mobility scooter along the National mall in D.C.
• Do something you’ll never speak of again in Vegas
• Hunt for Sasquatch with an AR-15
• Shotgun a Budweiser while Old Faithful geyser erupts in the background. Then crush the beer’s lifeless husk on your forehead