{This story is part 2 in a series of posts about a very strange doctor I’ve been seeing lately as part of my last year on my parents’ medical insurance.}

Ah, the long-awaited results to my allergy tests have come back and I must say that I am extremely surprised by the results (read Dr. Hippy Part 1). It turns out I’m allergic to everything. Not really of course, but I scored very highly in a bajillion categories. There were a few things that Dr. Hippy even told me I should cut out of my diet completely. They include: barley, chicken eggs, cottage cheese, oats, duck eggs, whole milk, spelt, vanilla bean, whole wheat, wheat gluten, beef, cheddar cheese, goat milk, tomatoes, almonds, baker’s yeast, brewer’s yeast, casein, cayenne pepper, corn, ginger, mozzarella cheese, nutmeg, peanuts, sunflower seeds, psyllium, valerian, yogurt, and zucchini.

Oh is that all? I stared at her blankly as she was telling me this. She tapped the paperwork against her desk and looked at me with concern. “How are you handling this information?”

“Well I’m surprised,” I said. “I’ve never felt like I had any reactions to anything.”

“One of the worst panic attacks I ever had was when I ate a truffle chocolate. You know the kind with the cream inside?” She waited until I nodded. “Well I was pre-diabetic and allergic to chocolate and dairy. So you can imagine what happened when I ate one on an empty stomach!”

Riiiiiiight. How many panic attacks have you had? This was the second mentioned panic attack.

She concluded that since I was essentially allergic to everything, that I probably have “bad guys” living in my intestines, she recommended I take an $80 supplement that, upon inspection, was essentially aloe juice.

She also said she wanted to check it out–look for the “bad guys”. AKA stool sample. I had no desire to do the sample, since I don’t have any of those issues, but I decided it might be fun to make her give me a thorough explanation of the process. She pulled out a shoebox-sized box and pulled from it a paper fry basket. You know, like one of those paper baskets they give you at baseball games to carry your hot dog or fries. She explained that “you don’t want the urine mixing with the feces so you have to catch it with this,” she lifted the fry basket.

“Mm hm,” I said, “and how do you collect the sample? Specifically.” I tried not to smile as I nodded along to her explanation.

She indicated with a tiny plastic spoon how to collect samples from all sections of your poop and “mix it up real good” in a tiny liquid-filled, film-canister-like container. She advised me to be sure to collect from the ENTIRE sample and then squinted at me suspiciously until I indicated that I fully understood.

After talking about stool samples for ten minutes she asked if I would like to order a test. I declined.

Next up for my third appointment with Dr. Hippy I will be checking up on the thyroid and hormone tests she prescribed me at my first visit. Until then I am giving up a few of the bigger allergies including gluten, dairy, eggs, and beef. I figure they aren’t the best foods for you anyway and now I have an easy defense for the interrogation people always give you when you turn down certain foods.